Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
by IchigoxKurosawa
Summary: Sasuke tries to commit suicide but Iruka is there to help him through this troubling time. [IruSasu] [Warnings and such inside]
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do **_NOT_** own Naruto - Masashi Kishimoto does...

Warnings: Yaoi (it's all I ever write), lemon, cussing... der...

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Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

IruSasu Yaoi

by:

Ichigo Kurosawa

Prolouge

Cold and dark.

They were both suffocating him as he faked an apathetic, normal mood. No one had yet to figure out that the brooding young male was far worse then they had all imagined.

Nightmares.

Flashes of him as a child.

These were slowly getting to him and his mental state was starting to collapse into a full-blown depression.

He often swore he heard voice, telling him he was pathetic. He let his whole clan die and couldn't do anything at all to help. Pathetic because he still loved his brother - not that man now. Now, he was just some ruthless murderer who considers him less then filth.

Cuts.

New and old scars.

He knew he shouldn't do such things to his own body, but it made all other pain go away. He loved to stare, transfixed, at his own blood as it crept down his arm and onto the floor. Strangely inticing. Drawing him in further so maybe he would go the length. What would it matter? No one was left for him.

Lonliness.

Crying behind closed doors.

His weakness - his vulnerability. He was always weakest at night when he was crying himself to sleep, or crying in the shower as he watched the inticing blood mix with scalding hot water. He knew something was literally fucked up about him, but he never tried to solve the problem.

Lost.

Crying to be loved.

He believed that to be all he needed to bring his life to a status that meant he could keep it happily.

But right now, that blade across the room was so alluring, so tempting. He couldn't resist the urge anymore; life did not matter to him anymore, at all. Naruto, his friend/rival and brother, was always trying to cheer him up. Sakura was too, but she never did as well a job as Naruto because honestly, he just found her more annoying than anything.

The blade, sharp and shining so brillantily in the dim light. It looked so much better as he pressed it to his skin, digging beneathe several layers of flesh and into his veins. He smiled sadly as he pulled it away and immediately went to the next wrist, not even bothering to stop the bleeding of the first wrist - the left one.

He knew the fatal thing he had done - he had gone too far deep into his left wrist, so he left it. He greeted death happily at that point.

The sad smile grew into an insane smirk as he fell back, landing on his back and unable to get up. He was slightly surprised - the effects of bloodloss were getting to him rather quickly.

"Sasuke-kun?"

Ngah. Damn it, someone was ruining his perfect plan. He tried to shout 'Go away!', but both his mouth and voice refused to work. Hurry! Hurry and die already!

"Sasuke-kun, everyone is wondering why you didn't go to training today. I thought I'd come check on you."

Iruka-sensei. Go away, please. I don't want you to seem me in such a horrible state as this. I caved into my emotions and took my own life. I don't want you to be the first to find me, cold and dead.

"Sasuke!"

Iruka had found him, laying on the floor with tears falling from his eyes and blood pouring from his wrist in drastic measures. He wanted to shout for Iruka to leave him alone, go away, and tell no one of this.

But he couldn't even see anymore. He couldn't speak nor taste nor feel, but he could hear. Hear Iruka's frantic cries as he started to talk to Sasuke, telling him to stay awake. _Why, Iruka-sensei? I want to sleep, with Mother and Father._

He knew he was being rushed somewhere, he could hear the wind whip by along with Iruka's voice. He sounded so heart broken, by why? No one cared for Sasuke so why should it matter if he killed himself? He stopped thinking about it when he passed out, still smiling sadly as his blood fell onto the streets and rooftops.

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Can't you see? You're loved by one person at the very least.

"I just couldn't tell you that. Maybe if I had, you wouldn't be here now."

Iruka looked sadly to the young, black haired ninja that lay in the hospital's white bed, looking so frail and sad. He cringed when he looked to the boy's left wrist, now stitched up and wrapped securely in bandages.

"Iruka."

Said man looked up quickly to see Tsunade, standing in the doorway with Shizune, Naruto and Kakkashi. All of them saddened in some way, Naruto the worst besides himself.

"Hokage-same, did you need something?"

He looked back to Sasuke, almost ready to burst into tears seeing that such a strong ninja was broken on the inside.

"When he awakes, I want you to look after him. If he tries again, I'm putting him in the institution."

Iruka blinked and gave her a look that said 'Why me?'

"You are probably going to be the most patient with him. He needs someone who won't try and force him to just 'heal' and move on. He needs someone who'll try and understand him. Someone, which I believe to be you, Iruka."

Iruka looked back to the boy, so pale and cold. "I accept."

"Good. The doctors and myself say he'll awaken in a week, tops."

Iruka nodded and said good bye as each one left. He was going to stay, all day, everyday, until Sasuke woke up.

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Awwwww, emo Sasuke is so depressing and it makes me wanna hug him! C'mon, I know y'all agree with me.

Well, R&R pwease! The next chapter should be out soon!


	2. Who I am

All is mentioned in the first part. (Part 2 of 3)

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

IruSasu Yaoi

by:

Ichigo Kurosawa

Who I Am...

Sasuke woke two days later, confused and bewildered.

"Sasuke-kun, calm down please."

Sasuke looked to his left and saw a very tired looking Iruka in one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs. He had rings under his eyes and his hair messed up and askew, showing just how exhausted he truly was.

"Why?"

Iruka looked up at Sasuke, who was crying softly. Iruka wished he could've hugged him, but he was afraid Sasuke would hate him and push him away. He gave Sasuke a questioning look.

"Why didn't you just let me die?"

He heard his voice crack; the sadness that dripped from every word. That poor child. Iruka wanted so badly to tell him then hug and kiss him until he felt like he was genuinely loved.

"Why would I let you die, Sasuke-kun? Besides what you think, there are people who lo-."

"No."

Iruka blinked. He just wouldn't accept it yet, would he? Well, Iruka will have to tell him sooner than he thought.

"Despite what you think, Iruka-_san_, there is not a damned person who could love a suicidal, depressed male that can't accept those feelings."

"Sasuke, can you walk on your own?"

Sasuke sighed inwardly; this must be a touchy subject for Iruka. Just as much to Iruka as to himself. "I believe so."

"Good. Then we're leaving and you are to live with me."

Sasuke's breath caught in his throat.

Someone was willing to deal with his depression and try to live with him?

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Small.

The first thought that came to Sasuke when he saw Iruka's apartment.

"Sit down Sasuke-kun and make yourself at home. Are you hungry or anything?"

Now that he mentioned it: "I'm starving." He sat down blankly on the couch, laying down shortly after to stretch out and just mope. Iruka smiled sadly before walking into his kitchen.

"Sasuke-kun. Hello? Are you okay?" Tomatoes. Sasuke smelled fucking tomatoes, nothing else. Just tomatoes. He looked to Iruka then the plate in his hand, consisting only of tomatoes sliced into thin slices._ Iruka, you are a fucking GOD! _Of course, Sasuke wouldn't say that aloud as he took the plate from Iruka and ate all the slices rather quickly.

Iruka blinked and smiled, ruffling Sasuke's hair and expecting a hand to swat his arm away. But it never came. Instead, Sasuke just sat there, blushing softly. _Cute._

"U-Um, arigatou, Iruka-sensei."

Did he just stutter? Oh God, he did! Iruka could die in contentment, but happiness was still further away. He needed Sasuke closer for that. "You're welcome, Sasu-chan."

"..."

"..."

Shit, he let that slip, didn't he!?

"G-Gomen nasai, Sasuke!"

Sasuke just sat there, quiet as can be whilst staring at the plate. After what seemed like an eternity, Sasuke spoke.

"It's okay. I don't care what you call me. It's just a different endearment."

Geez, someone is so in need of someone to love. _I don't think he even realizes what that makes him. Oops._

"Um, okay. Did you want more?"

Sasuke looked down at the plate again and nodded shyly, handing Iruka the plate so he could cut up more tomatoes.

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_God damn it! Why won't that dream stop!?_

Sasuke currently lay in a cot next to Iruka's bed, the same way it's been since Iruka took him in two months ago.

But lately, he'd been having a rather... hot... dream with Iruka and himself.

_There is no way in hell Iruka could possibly thing of me in the same way I do him. It... it just won't ever happen._

Truth be told, Sasuke had a crush on this caring teacher when he started the academy, but the feeling just grew as he got older, until he was now seventeen. He knew what it was now, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Iruka. It could ruin any bond they both already shared with each other and Sasuke didn't want to lose that. Not at all.

"Sasu-chan, is everything alright?"

Sasuke looked up to see Iruka peering at him from the edge of the bed. He looked worried and that made Sasuke smile warmly, which did not escape Iruka's view.

"Something funny?"

"No, but it's nice to know people worry over me even if nothing has happened."

Iruka blushed slightly, mumbled 'good night', and turned over in the bed.

Sasuke waited for the steady rise of his chest to know if he was asleep before sitting up and resting his chin on the edge of the mattress.

"I wish I could tell you, Iruka. I had one main reason for what I did and that's because I knew... I knew I couldn't have you to myself. That you would never feel for me the same thing I feel for you...

"I don't know why I'm saying this now, you're asleep. You can't hear me..."

He sighed sadly and went to lay back down under the blankets, crying himself to sleep like he used to to every night.

But unfortunately for him, Iruka heard the whole thing and he sat up, staring at him in absolute shock. _Did... did he just...?_

Iruka wanted to comfort him when he heard the sobbing, but if Sasuke found out he had been awake... what would he have done?

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Sasuke awoke to find Iruka hovering a mere two inches above his face. The younger blushed brightly as Iruka stood up straight, smiling brightly.

_I wonder why he's so happy... maybe he found a girlfriend..._

That thought made Sasuke sigh sadly and it didn't go unnoticed by Iruka.

"Sasuke, is something wrong?" The tone in which Iruka used was that of genuine concern and that changed Sasuke's mood drastically.

_Is Sasuke having mood swings? Maybe he's PMSing._

Now that thought made Iruka laugh and confused Sasuke. Iruka blinked and thought he looked strangely like a cat sitting the way he was with his head tilted to the side in question.

"You're such a cute little neko, Sasu-chan."

Both blinked and thoughts went as such.

Iruka: _Oh ffffffuck! I did NOT just say that! Please, please don't hate me, Sasuke!_

Sasuke: _D-Did he just say... c-cute... little neko...?_

What affected Sasuke the most was the word cute because it symbolizes affection. Both blushed and looked anywhere but each other.

"So... um... want breakfast?" Iruka knew he sounded nervous and by God, was he ever!

"S-Sure..." Iruka smiled softly and turned to walk downstairs, Sasuke following close behind.

Both were smiling and neither knew the other was.

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"Did you tell him?"

"No but a few weeks ago, he called me... a cute little neko..."

Silence...

"Oh my God, are you serious!?"

Loud laughter on Naruto's part, Kakkashi snickering behind him as he held Naruto tightly in his lap.

"Naruto... you're my friend and all but... don't make me hurt you."

Naruto pouted and Kakkashi gave Sasuke a death glare, to which he responded with a very cat-like hiss. Kakkashi chuckled and smirked at Sasuke.

"Well, he got the Neko part right but I'm no so sure of the cute."

"Shut up you!"

Everyone albeit Sasuke laughed, pointing to him as he made an odd growling noise which again sounded like a cat.

"Hey everyone. Whatcha talking about?"

Sasuke jumped and turned to see Iruka standing behind, blinking in surprise to Sasuke's reaction. Sasuke turned and glared at Naruto.

"Oh right! Gomen Sasuke-teme, but I invited Iruka along so you get this off your chest because... Kakkashi and I are outta here! Bye!"

Naruto jumped, his hand grasping Kakkashi's arm, as he dragged them both away.

"Naruto! I swear to God I will hurt you for this!" And all he got back was wild, loud laughter.

"Sasu-chan?" Sasuke jumped again and stood, bowing to Iruka. Sasuke also suddenly remembered today was his birthday.

"Gomen nasai, Iruka-san!" _I bet Naruto got me another free ramen coupon. Augh, so typical._

"Sasu-chan, today is your birthday, correct?"

"U-Um, yes!" _Kakkashi... let's hope it's not a repeat of last year... auuuggghh_. He shivered unconsciously that time.

"Well, I have a present for you." Iruka was smiling softly at the expression on Sasuke's face. He looked so shocked.

"R-Really? What is it?"

Iruka laughed and ruffled his hair again, earning that cat-like hiss as Sasuke fixed his hair.

"You have to wait, Neko-hime."

That took a few minutes to finally hit Sasuke, and when it did, it hit full force.

"What!? I'm not a girl!"

"But you definitely act like a cat. I just like to mess with you, Neko-hime."

Sasuke pouted and it took all of Iruka's will power not to jump the boy right there. Waiting that long for his gift could be a little hard if he always acted so damn cute.

"Just curious, but have you ever even had your first kiss, Neko-hime?"

To say Sasuke was slightly taken aback is an understatement.

"W-What? W-Well, no... but why?"

"No reason. I was just wondering."

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"Aww, Iruka-san. When will you take this blindfold off?"

"When we get to what I have set up for your birthday."

There was a moment of awkward silence before Sasuke spoke in a voice laced with sadness.

"Why? I don't see myself as being that important to do anything for."

"Don't Sasuke. Not today. I want you to be happy for your eighteenth birthday, m'kay?"

Sasuke once again went silent for a few minutes.

"Okay." And to that, Iruka smiled though Sasuke could not see it.

"Neko-hime, we're here."

Sasuke didn't even know how excited he was until he realized he was shaking and Iruka chuckled, earning that hiss he had come to love so much.

"I suppose you would like to see?"

"Yes please!"

Iruka chuckled again and removed the blindfold, Sasuke staring in amazement.

They were in one of the many forests that surrounded the village. Hung from numerous trees were paper laterns of all colors. Because of this, the stream nearby was illuminated with both the artifical light and the moon, full and just as bright. And there, in the midst of it all, stood several people with big grins plastered on their faces, yelling, "Happy Birthday, Sasuke!" (Y'all done thought it was just Iruka and Sasuke... we're not their yet XD)

"You... all... for me?"

Now, Sasuke would not admit to it, but he was emotional when it came to stuff like this. Naruto walked forward and placed a hand on his shoulder, smiling brightly. "Of course. Why wouldn't we?"

Sasuke blinked but smiled back, earning a gasp from everyone albeit Naruto and Iruka. Kakkashi didn't care too much about the smile in the first place. "Arigatou... um... who planned all this?"

Everyone immediately pointed to Iruka, who smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. "It was no-." But before Iruka could finish, Sasuke had glomped him, almost making him fall over. "Arigatou!"

Iruka blinked and patted his head. "You're welcome, Neko-hime."

"NEKO-HIME!?" Iruka laughed as Sasuke hissed again. "Do you have a problem with my nickname?" Everyone shook their heads no, including Sasuke who didn't even realize he did so.

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Okay, next part out soon after this!!! WOO!

By the way, Neko-hime can either mean Cat Princess or Princess Cat XD


	3. Hates Who I've Been

Last part! Lemon!

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

IruSasu Yaoi

by:

Ichigo Kurosawa

...Hates Who I've Been

Sasuke was now sitting in Iruka's lap, though against his will. Iruka had forced him to sit on his lap when they gathered around his stack of gifts.

After all was said and done (I'm not gunna mention what he got from everyone else...), he blinked and continued to look around.

"What's wrong, Neko-hime?" Sasuke furrowed his brows, confused.

"You said you had a gift for me yet I never saw one that had your name on it."

Iruka smiled and ruffled his hair again. "Don't worry, you'll get it when everyone else leaves." Sasuke, still confused, nodded.

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"Bye Sasu-teme! Hope you like Iruka-sensei's gift!" Oh yes, Naruto knew what it was.

Sasuke tilted his head but Iruka just laughed, yelling, "Wish me luck!" to Naruto's back.

After Naruto and Kakkashi left, there was no one else but Sasuke and Iruka. Iruka sat down and pulled Sasuke back to his lap, resting his chin on Sasuke's shoulder.

"Why haven't you ever had your first kiss, Neko-hime?"

"Hmm. Oh! Um, I guess I just never really had time for dating and stuff like that." Oh. So Sasuke had never even dated?

Iruka liked the thought of that. "Well, is there one person in particular who you'd like to give your first kiss to?"

Sasuke blinked and squirmed slightly. _What's with all these wierd questions?_

"W-Well, um yes... but I fear that they would reject me."

"Who is it, Sasuke?"

_What happened to Neko-hime? Maybe he's angry..._

"Um... w-well..."

God, Iruka really loved Sasuke when he was flustered and embarrased. Oh, and shy. He loved that most.

"Y-You."

Iruka smiled softly, turning Sasuke around in his lap. Sasuke blinked, slightly confused.

"Good. I don't want anyone else to have it."

And with that said, Iruka cupped a hand over one of Sasuke's cheek, laughing softly when he nuzzled his hand. "You really are just like a cat." Iruka brought his face closer to Sasuke's, so they were only a few inches apart and he could clearly see the blush that sprang to Sasuke's cheeks. "My cute little neko," he said softly before hesitantly placing his lips upon Sasuke's, waiting for a shove for him to go way, rejection.

But none of that came because Sasuke kissed back. Iruka squealed like a school girl mentally before wrapping his arms around Sasuke's waist, pulling away. Sasuke's face was still flushed and Iruka couldn't help but smile. "So, you don't mind?"

"No. Why would I?" Iruka kissed Sasuke's cheek, holding him close to his body. "I don't know. But I like knowing I'm the first." Iruka placed butterfly kisses over Sasuke's face and neck, eliciting a mewl when he reached a certain spot on his neck. Iruka blinked but smirked before kissing that same spot, sucking lightly on it as Sasuke started to make a purring noise. "My Neko-hime."

"You're possessive, aren't you?"

"Probably. But, anyone would want to snatch you away with the way you act and look, so I have all reason to be."

"... You thought that out before we even got here, didn't you?"

"So? You're not complaining." And before Sasuke could say anymore, Iruka pressed their lips together again, arms still wrapped protectively around Sasuke. Sasuke gasped softly when he felt Iruka's tongue trail along his lower lip and Iruka used that moment to slip his tongue into the younger boy's mouth. _He doesn't taste minty like I thought he would. He tastes like... strawberries?_(1)_ Wonder where that came from._

Sasuke moaned softly and gripped the front of Iruka's vest. He gasped again when he felt hands slide under his shirt, rubbing his sides. "I-Iruka..." Iruka pulled away, staring at Sasuke. "Is something wrong, Neko-hime?"

"N-No... I w-want..." Iruka was so sure this was going to end in a perverted way, but he still wanted to hear it. "I w-want to feel y-you inside me, Iruka." Iruka went hard just hearing him say it. Sasuke was just so damned innocent no matter what. Iruka kissed Sasuke's cheek tenderly, smiling softly again. "Are you sure?" Sasuke nodded slowly and he initiated the kiss this time, locking the two into a fight for dominance. Iruka won and savored the taste of Sasuke. He started to remove Sasuke's shirt, breaking contact long enough to pull it over his head.

He proceeded on to kiss and nip at Sasuke's neck, sucking again on the spot he had found earlier. While Sasuke was making those cat-like noises that Iruka loved, he stripped him of his shorts and boxers. He pulled away to sit up and scanned the boy's body, Sasuke's body flushed. "Beautiful...," he breathed out before attacking his neck again. Sasuke removed all of Iruka's clothes rather quickly which caused to Iruka to chuckle. "Impatient?"

"Shut up." Sasuke ran his hands over the other's chest, eliciting a small moan from Iruka before Iruka bit down on his neck, making him gasp. Iruka smirked against his skin before trailing kisses down his chest, running his tongue teasingly over both nipples, Sasuke arching his back slightly. Iruka chuckled when he heard the soft mewls and purring noises from Sasuke. "You really are a cat, Neko-hime." Before Sasuke could retort, he felt something moist run over the tip of his length. He moaned softly, fisting the grass as the same moist object ran over the whole length a few times.

"Ngah... I-Iruka... stop teasing..." Iruka smirked and complied, taking his member into his mouth. Sasuke tried to buck his hips but Iruka held him in place as his tongue swirled around the tip. Sasuke moaned loudly when Iruka gently scraped his teeth along the underside. And then Iruka hummed and Sasuke knew he was close. Apparently, Iruka knew as well because he pulled away and left Sasuke hanging.

"Sasuke... this will hurt. You still want to d-."

"Yes. Please, Iruka."

Iruka smiled softly and kissed Sasuke, coating his fingers with precum from Sasuke before slipping one finger into his tight entrance. Sasuke squirmed, unused to the feeling but Iruka told him to relax, so he did. Until he stuck another finger next to the other and he unconsciously tried to pull away.

"Shh. It's okay Sasuke. Just relax."

Sasuke nodded and Iruka could feel his muscles lax. But, just to make things better, when Iruka hit a certain spot, he got a response of loud gasp, mewling, and 'Do that again'. Iruka hit that same spot a few times before removing his finger, earning a whine.

"Now Neko-hime, I need you stay relaxed or this will hurt more than it needs to, kay?"

"Hai."

Iruka smiled and kissed Sasuke's temple lightly, slowly sliding his own member into the younger boy. Sasuke clenched his eyes shut tightly, face contorted into one of pain. Iruka stopped about halfway to let Sasuke get used to the feeling, but he did not have a very long wait before Sasuke pushed his hips forward slightly. Iruka smirked and the first thing he did was aim for that spot on the first major thrust.

"Oh fuck! Iruuuukaaa."

Iruka knew he had hit his target after that and to hear his name said like that... it was enough to drive him so close to the egde, he was stumbling. He didn't want it to be over yet, the pleasure was too great. So, he reached out and grasped Sasuke's attention deprived length, pumping it in rythym with his thrusts. Sasuke felt himself getting closer and knew he would be done in a very short while.

"I-Iru... ka... I t-think... I'm go-!" He was cut short by his own loud moan of the name 'Iruka', throwing his head back as he came onto his stomach and Iruka's hand. Iruka felt the walls clamp around his own member and after a few thrusts, he came as well, riding out his orgasm before falling to lie beside his new lover. Both lay panting, trying to steady their breathing as Sasuke snuggled up close to Iruka.

"Hey... what if... we're found like this... in the morning?"

"Don't worry... I have that... all figured out..."

Sasuke smiled and both fell asleep shortly after.

xXxNext MorningxXx

"Sasuke-kun? You still here? You weren't ho-Naruto? What are you and Kakkashi doing here?"

Naruto looked up to Sakura and smiled. "Making sure people like you don't cause problems."

Sakura blinked, confused.

"Oi! Naruto!"

Everyone turned to see Iruka walking out, Sasuke laying on his back. "Thanks you two. We're off now!"

Naruto and Kakkashi nodded while Sakura stared, still confused.

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Sasuke woke in a soft bed in the small room he had come to love. He sat up and looked around, freaking out slightly because he couldn't find Iruka.

"Iruka? Hello."

He stood and looked around all the rooms, not finding anything until he came to the kitchen where he stood at the stove.

"Morning, Neko-hime! Anything you want for breakfast?" Sasuke blinked but smiled before walking up and randomly hugging Iruka tightly, slightly angry at the fact Iruka was so much taller than he was.

"Aww. You feeling affectionate this morning?"

"Shut up."

Iruka smiled and wrapped his arms around Sasuke's waist loosely. They just stood there in silence for awhile before Sasuke (ZOMG! NO WAY!) sparked up a conversation... sort of...

"Iruka?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Iruka smiled brighter and placed a kiss on Sasuke's forehead.

"I love you too, Neko-hime."

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ENDE!

(1) I got this from a comic (lovely, by the way) done by a dA artist named BrokenDeathAngel where Itachi came and kissed Sasuke, only to discover he used strawberry toothpaste. XD


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